John Mulaney Lays Out His Campaign for Mayor of New York City

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-There was a thing saying
you might run for mayor. -For New York.
No, New York, not South Bend. -No, for mayor of New York City?
-Yeah, I know, I’m going to
start with New York. Listen, no. [ Cheers and applause ] It’s not —
Thank you, I appreciate that. -Standing ovation.
-Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
[ Cheering continues ] -Please.
-They were ready for it. It’s unbelievable. -Thank you.
Please, sit down. Please sit down.
-Here he is. -Please sit.
-John Mulaney! -Please.
-Mayor Mulaney! -Earlier this evening,
I called Mayor de Blasio and I conceded because I got
zero votes, and — [ Laughter ] No, I don’t know why I got this
in my head. I know why.
I had, like, too much — I had like a month
where I wasn’t doing anything. -Yeah.
-So… I was walking around
New York. I was getting so angry about
things. You know, there was —
so I said — I came home and I said,
“I’m going to run for mayor,” to my wife, you know?
-Yeah. -And she said, “Okay, but you
have to think about stuff for all five boroughs. It can’t just be
things on our block.” And I was like, “All right.” But then, I just — look. No matter who the Mayor
of New York is, we hate him, and then, by the time he goes,
we’re like, “That’s the mayor.
We love him,” you know. Like Bloomberg, we hated.
He’d be on — He’d come out and like cover
the city in beige carpeting, and then, be like,
“Shoes off.” And we’d be like, “Ah!” And then, by the time he left,
we were like, “Hey, it’s Mayor Bloomberg.” And now we hate him again.
It’s a cycle. -Yeah.
-So de Blasio is low, right? -Yeah.
-Remember — Were you at the Paul Simon
concert when de Blasio got up? -Yeah, we were there together.
-Yeah. Remember, they’re like,
“Ladies and gentlemen, Mayor de Blasio.” “Boo!”
[ Laughter ] -It was louder than like
an encore for like “Graceland.” -Yeah.
-They’re like, “Whoo!” -It was like Vince McMahon
level theater. Like, “Boo!” -Yeah, that was crazy. -De Blasio walks out with his
stupid sideburns and — [ Laughter ] But — but I — here’s —
Okay. Here’s — Look, I know I won’t be good
as mayor. Okay? I know that.
But here’s my thing. I’m going to get rid
of Uber and Lyft, and if you don’t like it, you can get rid of me
in two years. [ Laughter ] But you can’t —
there’s a bus lane, and then there’s a bike lane, and then there’s
one million new Ubers, and then there’s
10 billion new Lyfts. -Yeah.
-And it’s just you can’t do it. And I have a whole commercial
laid out. -Really?
-Yeah. I mean, I haven’t shot it,
but you know, you can imagine it. You can imagine it.
I’m imagining it. So here’s the commercial.
All right. It’s not fun, but it’s — this
is just a good idea. [ Laughter ] So it’s an ambulance —
Shh, this is serious. So it’s an ambulance,
and it’s going up Sixth Avenue at 3:00 P.M. It’s an ambulance.
Sirens are going, you know? You feel the tension, right?
-What time of the day? -3:00 P.M.
-Yeah. It goes, it’s 3:00 P.M. It’s not rush hour.
It’s not lunchtime. And the streets are jammed. And then I’ll have an actor
that looks like de Blasio ride by on a bicycle, right?
[ Laughter ] And then it’ll say, “Now imagine someone you love
is in this ambulance.” And then it goes, “boom.” And it says, “Bill de Blasio
said he’d fix everything in New York,” which he didn’t.
He didn’t say that. But…
[ Laughter ] -You can’t put words
in his mouth. -Oh, you can do that.
-You can’t do that. -I’m not going to put “quotes.”
I’ll say — I’ll say he said something
like — okay. Bill de Blasio was like, “I’m going to
fix everything in New York,” right?
-You’re safe. -I’m in safe territory.
-My lawyer says you’re safe. My lawyer says you’re safe,
yeah. -Good, yeah.
And then it will just say, “John Mulaney as Mayor.”
-Wow, that’s pretty good. -I think when you say — yeah.
-That’s a good, that’s a… [ Cheers and applause ]
…memorable commercial. And it hits a nerve. -I think it’s, like,
mean-spirited. I don’t like that I thought of
it, but once I thought of it, I thought, like,
“That’s a good idea.” I — I like Mayor de Blasio. I have had run-ins with him
that I found awkward. I was hosting that Museum
of Natural History benefit that Mr. Lorne Michaels does. -Our boss.
-Yeah. The producer of
“Saturday Night Live.” -And “The Tonight Show”
as well. -And “The Tonight Show,” yeah,
-That’s right. He’s our producer. He produces everything
in this building. -Yeah, that’s right, yeah. He’s a good TV producer. -He’s fantastic.
-Yeah, he’s got hits. So he has this benefit at the
Natural History museum. Have you ever hosted it,
where you kind of go, “Welcome, everybody.”
-Of course. -“This is —
Look at all the animals.” Because it’s like the zoo,
but they’re dead, you know. [ Laughter ]
-It’s a museum. Yeah, it’s a museum. -It’s a museum
of animal bodies and what they would look like
next to fake trees and stuff. But it’s a nice museum.
It’s a great place. So I had — I worked all day —
I worked for like three days on all these jokes,
and most of them were de Blasio jokes.
-Yeah. -Because it’s a New York
audience, and I, you know, I mean, I opened —
I opened bad right away because I was like,
“This is great. I saw there’s an elephant here.
So finally for one night, the elephant in the room for you
guys is not Jeffrey Epstein,” and — yeah, right.
[ Audience ohs ] Just like you. Hey, no, but just like you, they were upset right away.
[ Applause ] -Yeah.
-And I said, but — [ Laughter ] -It’s a tough room.
-“But like Jeffrey Epstein, this elephant was murdered.” I did a second part of the joke.
[ Audience ohs ] I know, right. Just —
Yeah, exactly. -But it’s also —
But this is a good room. That room, I will say,
is a little tough. -You mean the museum with
the highest ceiling in the world and all the richest people
in the world staring at you? It looks like an event the Joker
would crash into it. [ Laughter ]
And… -You should have opened
with that. You should have opened
with that one. You should have opened
with that. -Wait, I got to get
another chance. So then, I just did these
introductory remarks, two of which you just heard,
which were terrible jokes. So I sit down at the table,
and then, someone runs up and says, “Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a special guest here. Mayor Bill de Blasio has
dropped by the benefit.” Now this was called
a black tie event. Now that means that you wear
a tuxedo if you’re a man. Now I’m not saying —
You’re not a good per– I’m not saying you’re a better
person if you’re in a tuxedo, but Bill de Blasio walks up
in a light blue suit with a bright red tie,
like a clown. And…
[ Laughter ] And they go, “Bill de Blasio.”
And this is a nice event, and people go, “Boo!” And I hear one person go,
“Hiss!” -Wow. Wow. Bringing back the hiss. -So then, Mayor de Blasio
gets up. And no, he was not invited. He had just left his
presidential campaign because he heard it was a lock and he didn’t want the
pressure to get to him. So…
[ Laughter ] He gets up, and he’s like,
“Hi, it’s me, the mayor.” You know, he had to remind
everyone when he was mayor because he had run
for president. He’s like, “I’m the mayor,
this is a great museum because they allow anyone
in here. Anyone of any sexual
orientation.” And everyone was like,
“Yeah, that’s every museum. Like, there’s…”
[ Laughter ] The only barrier to entry is
a suggested donation, which no one does. No one’s keeping anyone
out of a museum. -No.
-So then he said — So I, by the way, have
in my pocket a page of jokes that are all about de Blasio. My next seven minutes was just
going to be de Blasio jokes. So then de Blasio says —
and it’s all — “This event is run by
the great Lorne Michaels, an important person in New York, even though he’s not
from New York.” And I was like, “Oh, man.”
[ Hissing ] Like, okay, yeah, right?
-Getting hisses right now. -Getting hissed.
-Someone’s hissing over there. -So I get back —
So I turn to Lorne and I go, “I have a page
of de Blasio jokes.” And Lorne goes, “Do them.” [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -Dude. [ Laughter and applause ] -That New York thing —
that New York thing, like, when he said that,
I was like, “Oh!” And I know Lorne is from Canada.
I know it. And he talks about it. He’ll go,
“I’m from Canada,” you know? But if he looked me
in the eye and he went, “I’m from New York, right?”
I’d be like, “Yeah, yeah,
you’re from New York.” -He’s one of the most
New York people of all time.
-I know.

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